The very essence of Good Divorce Week is to highlight how important it is for separating parents to put the needs of their children first.
When emotions are running high, it can be easy to let anger and bitterness overcome you and allow your feelings to cloud what is best for your children.
It is important, therefore, to remember that children have a right to see both parents, as long as it is safe to do so, and if you can limit their exposure to family conflict, they will emerge from the divorce process much happier, well-balanced individuals.
Be open to compromise
Children feel worried, anxious and confused when their parents separate. The changes to their home environment are as unsettling for them as they are for you.
No matter what is happening between you and your partner, you should both do your utmost to keep lines of communication open when it comes to agreeing arrangements for children. Inevitably, this is going to require a degree of compromise from both parties, which is where issues can arise.
Conversations will need to take place about where and with whom your children will live and spend their time. This can lead to disputes around specific issues, such as where or how a child should be educated, what religion they should follow, whether they should be allowed to relocate, etc. All of these matters need to be handled sensitively and are best dealt with together, via a co-parenting plan.
If you can’t agree and the case goes to court, a judge may make a decision that neither of you likes.
The last resort
Family courts are currently in meltdown and the process for divorcing parents is unpredictable and slow. Even if communication with your ex is difficult, issuing court proceedings to settle child arrangements should be an absolute last resort.
If you cannot agree a way forward alone, help is at hand. Solicitors and mediators are here to support and assist you through complex negotiation. We can give you the perspective you need to ensure your battle does not become a war.
Here are my top tips for preventing conflict over child arrangements:
- Try to avoid discussions when emotions are running particularly high. Take yourself away from the situation and consider the view of your co-parent before responding to any proposal.
- Ensure your children are at the centre of any arrangements. It is OK to take a child’s wishes and feelings into consideration, but never ask them to choose. This is never in their best interests.
- Before any discussions take place, be realistic about your expectations and the fact your children will want and need to spend time with both parents.
- Bear in mind the consequences of not reaching an agreement. It might result in an application to the court for independent intervention. Whilst this is unavoidable sometimes, the time and cost consequences must be balanced against the areas in which you are willing to compromise.
If you would like more advice about communicating with your ex to agree child arrangements, take a look at Resolution’s Parenting Through Separation Guide, which can be downloaded here.
Should you find yourself in the unenviable position of being unable to reach an agreement with your co-parent, my colleagues and I are here to help. Contact our expert team on (0114) 218 4000.
