Sitting in traffic as always, on the M1 and Sheffield Parkway on my way to work this morning, it struck me how similar driving a car in heavy traffic is to helping a client through the divorce process.
Although we might do it subconsciously when we are driving, particularly in heavy traffic, we make hundreds of decisions every minute. Those decisions are made to keep us safe and to make sure we get to the other end of our journey in one piece. We look, we listen and we respond to the other cars around us. If the car in front slows down, we slow down. If someone swerves suddenly to change lanes we react and position ourselves to stay safe. If we see someone speeding up behind us we might hold our breath for a split second and hope that they brake in time but usually, just like us, they are looking, listening and reacting and applying their brakes in time to pull up safely behind you. There is much stop-starting and giving and taking but at the end of the journey we are still safe and where we need to be.
What if we didn’t watch, listen and react to those around us and instead ploughed on regardless? You yourself might arrive safely at the end of your journey but as you look in the rear view mirror, quite possibly you will see devastation. A car pile-up at the side of the road having swerved to avoid you as you sped on regardless. Alternatively you may never make the end of the journey. By failing to work cooperatively with the drivers of the cars around you, you may find yourself waiting for the emergency services to come and rescue you from the bottom of a pile up.
So what’s all this got to do with family law? Well, as a collaborative family lawyer for the last 9 years I have had the benefit of being able to compare dealing with divorces with cases being fought through Court, with those cases using the Collaborative Family Law method. In a Collaborative case the separating couple, with the assistance of two qualified collaborative lawyers, make a commitment to resolve matters by agreement. With the aid of their lawyers in a series of round the table meetings, they work as a team to find creative solutions and outcomes that suit both parties and more importantly which focus on the needs of any children. In collaborative work we learn to look, listen and react to the people around us. Is someone struggling emotionally? Do we need to slow down the process? Do we need to give them time or additional support to cope with a particular issue? If an urgent issue arises we can put to one side what we were discussing and deal with the urgent issues concerning them both. They can go as fast or as slow as the couple wants. We can deal with issues they want to deal with when they want to deal with them. They set the timetable and the agenda and as collaborative lawyers we are just there to help, assist and guide them. Sometimes things don’t go as expected. One of the couple might suddenly put the brakes on and feel unable to move forward. That’s fine. We all apply the brakes and then work together to find a way to get moving again.
Compare this to dealing with family matters through the Court. One party decides that they want to make an application to the court. They put their foot down and off they go leaving the other person standing in their dust. The Court fixes a timetable and tells both parties what documents they have to produce, when they have to attend Court, by what day they have to make decisions, what questions they are allowed to ask and basically tells them what is and is not important in the eyes of the law rather than in the eyes of that particular family. The process generally does not stop just because someone needs to pull over and take a break. The reality is that there are rarely winners and losers in Court proceedings. The outcome, which is imposed by a Judge who at the end of the day is not a member of the separating family, is often one that neither party is entirely happy with. In the meantime whatever relationship the couple had left has generally been abandoned by the roadside. Car crash.
Don’t get me wrong, there are cases which for whatever reason really need to go to Court and need the input of an experienced family Judge. However, the vast majority of family cases could, and in my view, should be resolved using alternative methods that focus on the particular needs of that family and in particular any children. In my experience Collaboration is by far the best approach. You still need to put on your seat belts, but you are less likely to need the airbag!
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