Ending a relationship, particularly if you have children, is a complex and difficult decision.
No matter how the end arises, both of you will experience feelings of loss and grief. What comes next is a period of uncertainty, as you attempt to deal with your emotions, whilst trying to manage the practicalities of separation.
Five stages of loss
Resolution’s Parenting Through Separation Guide likens the end of a relationship to losing a loved one. How long it takes for you to accept it and move on will be different for everyone.
The guide outlines the five stages of the loss cycle as denial/shock, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness and acceptance. You might move through them at a different pace to your ex and this can cause your relationship to begin to break down.
At the same time, there is so much to sort out for your children, who may also be devastated, angry and confused by the breakdown of their parents’ relationship.
So, where do you start? Consulting a solicitor is the best first step – even if you still aren’t sure you want to separate. Knowledge is power and establishing your legal rights and responsibilities makes the decision-making process clearer. Try to find a solicitor that offers alternative forms of dispute resolution, so you can work out what is best for your family without going to court.
Here at Taylor&Emmet, we encourage clients to consider mediation and Collaborative Law. Both processes put you firmly in the driving seat and enable you to make financial arrangements and agreements about your children through discussion with an independent third party or with the support of a specially trained Collaborative Lawyer.
We would also discuss other forms of assistance you might find useful and potentially introduce you to a therapist or divorce coach, who has experience of working with separating couples. Being honest with yourself about the end of your relationship and not being afraid to ask for help can keep the lines of communication open with your partner, which is ultimately in the best interests of you and your children.
The next steps
There has been a great deal of research into how a family separation affects children and the results are unanimous: They cope well if there is no long-term parental conflict.
Adopting the right mindset for the road ahead will help you ride out the bumps and manage any issues that arise. Remember to reach out for support if the emotions threaten to overwhelm you, instead of lashing out at your ex.
Ask for recommendations when choosing a family law solicitor and do your research. It is important to appoint a representative that is a good fit for you and will respect your aims and priorities. We will be your greatest ally in the coming months, your mouthpiece and cheerleader.
Contrary to popular belief, we are as keen to keep your separation out of court as you are. Legal proceedings, particularly those arising from divorce, are always relatively slow to progress and you may have to wait months before you are given your first appointment. In the meantime, your uncertain future lurks like a black cloud, impacting on the financial and mental wellbeing of you and your children.
Even if it feels impossible to sit down with your partner at the moment, don’t dismiss the notion of mediation or Collaborative Law for the sake of ‘your day in court.’ I can promise you the process is less acrimonious, stressful and more cost effective.
If you are thinking about divorce or separation, take time to read Resolution’s Parenting Through Separation Guide, which can be downloaded here. To find out more about the options open to you, contact my expert team on (0114) 218 4000.
